Drowning

Yesterday I went to an immersive Titanic experience. I felt drawn to it for some reason.

I’ve stopped questioning myself, my gut and the universe when this happens.

What happened next is difficult to put into words.

I asked myself the question “why was it important to come here - was there a drowning death in my family; was a family member on board?”.

Turns out the answer was a lot closer to home.

Stay tuned.

I posted this as a note earlier today. So, here’s what happened next.

I pulled up a list of all Swiss passengers, but none of the place names where they lived or their last names rang any bells. It could have been more distant relatives of course, but even then … none of these names had ever popped up in family trees.

I was ready to put the question into the family group chat when I realized that I knew the answer. I actually KNEW.

It was me who almost drowned. I was around three years old. I remember that my sister was there, but she was very little. Nobody was watching me. I had just been told not to go into the deep water.

I didn’t know how to swim yet.

I remember the tiny blueish tiles of the pool as I sank to the bottom. It was an indoor pool. It was not very crowded, so nobody saw me sink.

Luckily, the lifeguard eventually spotted me and pulled me out – just in time.

I remember there being yelling and accusations and my mom having to buy floaties for me. The lifeguard was very angry with her.

Of course I was later blamed for not listening and shamed for almost dying.

I was three.

That was what stuck and what overrode the feeling of not getting air, of not being able to breathe, or almost dying.

Several layers down, I was transported back to that moment and started gasping for air and shaking.

Let’s take a moment to breathe – I know I did.

Wow!

How did I not remember this when I asked myself that question? I mean just the fact that it happened. I realized why and where the attached feelings were hiding.

I couldn’t dwell on that as I suddenly realized that my grandma had almost drowned just yards from where I now live in the river that flows right past my building.

She was around that same age as I was when I nearly drowned. Bam! There it was. No need to look any further.

In her case, she had an older sister who got the blame, because she was tasked with watching her. A sister that was no older than 7 at the time. A sister that is now 103 years old.

Patterns repeat themselves until someone is brave enough to break them and to pay attention.

This is when more emotions started rushing in, my body started shaking and I started crying. Not for long. It felt more like a release than anything else.

Luckily, I was able to let a friend know this was happening. That helped a lot.

I took a shower because - well - water and felt super relieved after. I fell asleep almost immediately with a strange sense of calm.

I often think of my grandma when out walking along the Suhre. It’s our river. It’s our shared experience. It’s our connection.

Suhre in Suhr / Buchs AG, Switzerland

I’m currently sitting in the Espace Ballon in Château-d’Oex waiting for updated information on when the balloons will start flying.